Phillip's Phunnies - Say It Again, Sam

A merry heart does good, like medicine... - Proverbs 17:22

Sometimes you hear someone say something and you have to hear it again to be sure you heard it correctly the first time.


Lost in Translation

Did you know that in Japanese, tofu translates roughly into whale snot?

Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."


Death

Exercise daily. Eat wisely. Diet with unstinting discipline. ... Die anyway.

When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.

To kill a circus in one blow, go for the juggler.

A dead writer of music is de-composing.


Phobias

What phobia is a fear of being asked "Who goes there?" ... Friendorphobia.

What is fear of meeting a fat man in a red suit in a confined room for hanging clothes? ... Santaclaustrophobia.

What is fear of the force? ... Obiewancanobieaphobia.

What is fear of people named Phoebe? ... Phoebiaphobia.


Old Soldiers Never Die...

Old math teachers never die, they just become irrational.

Old school principals never die, they just lose their faculties.

Old teachers never die they just lose their class.

Old gardeners never die they just vegetate.

Old pilots never die, they just get more turbulent.

Old sailors never die, they just get a little dinghy.

Old lawyers never die they just lose their appeal.

Old judges never die they just slur their sentences.

Old skiers never die -- they just go down hill.

Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.

Old skydivers never die, they're just more down to earth.

Old musicians never die, they are just disconcerted.


Animals

What do you call a fly with no wings? ... A walk.

Archives? Is that where Noah kept his bees?

If you are a sheep rancher on the move, do you carry your livestock in a ewe-haul truck?

What did the Russian call his pet rodent? ... Comrat.

A baby sardine was happily swimming in the ocean near its mother when it saw its first submarine. The mother sardine quickly reassured her frightened offspring. "Don't worry, dear. That's just a can of people."

A financially strapped cowboy was considering mortgaging his white horse. He was in loan danger as he went to see the loan arranger. He better do it pronto, or it might be a hearty "bye ol' Silver!"


Think About It

Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

My rechargeable batteries are revolting.

Be true to your teeth, or they will be false to you.

Do you ever get tired of sleeping?

Prison walls are never built to scale.

Applying mascara in a car can cause whipped lashes.

Some musicians can be sharp, which is not natural.

If a lawyer can be disbarred can a musician be denoted or a model deposed?

For plumbers, a flush beats a full house.


And Finally

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

There's a difference between good sound reasons and reasons that sound good.