Phillip's Phunnies - Makes You Think

A merry heart does good, like medicine... - Proverbs 17:22

These are offered to not only make us laugh, but also to make us think!!

HA HA HA, What?

If corn oil comes from corn, vegetable oil comes from vegetables, and peanut oil comes from peanuts, then where does baby oil come from?

When a cow laughs, does milk come out it's nose?

If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon to the pan?

Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive-through ATMs?

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor.

What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base? A flat major.

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

When its deer season we can shoot deer. When it is duck season we can shoot ducks. So if it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

What's another word for thesaurus?


I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

When you choke a smurf, what color do they turn?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Just because you are paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get you!

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink and cows crack?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

Psychiatrist to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"

Why do people say "tuna fish?" They don't say "beef mammal" or "chicken bird!"


Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.


Doctor, Doctor

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I am a set of curtains!
Pull yourself together, man!

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a bell.
Well, just go home and if the feeling persists, give me a ring.

Doctor, doctor, people tell me I'm a wheelbarrow.
Don't let people push you around.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm invisible.
Who said that?!

Doctor, doctor, nobody understands me.
What do you mean by that?

Doctor, doctor, No one believes a word I say.
Tell me the truth now, what's your REAL problem?

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a deck of cards.
I'll deal with you later.

Doctor, doctor, people keep telling me I'm ugly!
Lay on the couch, face down.

Doctor, Doctor, I can't stop stealing things.
Take these pills for a week; if that doesn't work I'll have a color TV!

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon.
Sit there and don't stir.

Doctor, doctor, I keep trying to get into fights.
And how long have you had this complaint?
Who wants to know?

Doctor, doctor, I can't concentrate.
And how long have you had this complaint?
What complaint?

Doctor, doctor, I feel so short!
No problem. Hop up on the couch.

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a small bucket.
You do look a little pale.

Doctor, doctor, I've only got 59 seconds to live.
I'll be with you in a minute.

Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears.
Don't answer!