Phillip's Phunnies - The Cat's Meow
A merry heart does good, like medicine... - Proverbs 17:22
Cat Jokes
Cat Jokes
A few weeks back we had a round of dog jokes, so now in order to give equal time, we will have a go with cat jokes!
Good for a Laugh
We all know cats like to play with balls of yarn. Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a whole ball's worth? She had mittens.
What is a cat's favourite song? Three Blind Mice.
What does a cat do when it gets mad? It has a hissy fit.
What do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck? A duck filled fatty puss.
Dogs have owners, cats have staff.
Quotes
There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." - Unknown
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." - Anonymous
"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." - English proverb
"One cat just leads to another." - Ernest Hemingway
"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." - Joseph Wood Krutch
"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God." - Unknown
A Cat Prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray this cushy life to keep. I pray for toys that look like mice, And sofa cushions, soft and nice. I pray for gourmet kitty snacks, And someone nice to scratch my back, For windowsills all warm and bright, For shadows to explore at night. I pray I'll always stay real cool And keep the secret feline rule To NEVER tell a human that The world is really ruled by CATS!
How to Clean a Cat
Thoroughly clean the toilet.
Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
Note: You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any surface they can find.
Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
Have someone to open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
the Dog
What is a Cat?
Cats do what they want.
They rarely listen to you.
They're totally unpredictable.
They whine when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to be alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater to their every whim.
They're moody.
They leave hair everywhere.
They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: Cats are tiny women in little fur coats.
What is a Dog?
Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
They growl when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to play.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They are great at begging.
They leave their toys everywhere.
They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
Conclusion: Dogs are men in little fur coats.
Cat Rules
BATHROOMS:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
DOORS:
Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand looking sad at the humans. If they are on the other side of the door, stick your paw under the door and whine until they open teh door. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
CHAIRS AND RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, carpet is good.
If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering:"
When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible or at least. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen. Bite when you're moved on.
When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to be startled.
Most important - When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard and write a short story. Bat at mouse pointer on screen as if it were real. Then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.
WALKING:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their co-ordination skills.
BEDTIME:
Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around. Even better - lie on his or hers face or head.
LITTER BOX:
When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes. The smell is also very attractive.
HIDING:
Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you for a few days. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and you will probably get a treat.
SLEEPING:
In order to have enough energy for playing, a cat must get plenty of sleep (at least 16 hours per day). It is generally not difficult to find a comfortable place to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good, especially if it contrasts with your fur color. If it's in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the better.
HUMANS:
Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. You will then have a smooth-running household.
FOOD:
In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed NOW; and hunting for it oneself. The following are guidelines for getting fed.
When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking.
Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table.
Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass is full enough to drink from.
Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the Dignity of a cat to beg outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don't forget you exist. These include, but are not limited to: jumping onto the lap of the "softest" human and purring loudly; lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen, the Direct Stare, and twining around people's legs as they sit and eat while meowing plaintively.
Good for a Laugh
We all know cats like to play with balls of yarn. Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a whole ball's worth? She had mittens.
What is a cat's favourite song? Three Blind Mice.
What does a cat do when it gets mad? It has a hissy fit.
What do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck? A duck filled fatty puss.
Dogs have owners, cats have staff.
Quotes
There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." - Unknown
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." - Anonymous
"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." - English proverb
"One cat just leads to another." - Ernest Hemingway
"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." - Joseph Wood Krutch
"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God." - Unknown
(Here is a picture of my wife's cat, Calvin, and his Budgie Buddies,
Peepers and Kip - they love each other but I am not sure
they are using the same definition of "love.")
Peepers and Kip - they love each other but I am not sure
they are using the same definition of "love.")
A Cat Prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray this cushy life to keep. I pray for toys that look like mice, And sofa cushions, soft and nice. I pray for gourmet kitty snacks, And someone nice to scratch my back, For windowsills all warm and bright, For shadows to explore at night. I pray I'll always stay real cool And keep the secret feline rule To NEVER tell a human that The world is really ruled by CATS!
How to Clean a Cat
Thoroughly clean the toilet.
Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
Note: You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any surface they can find.
Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
Have someone to open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
the Dog
What is a Cat?
Cats do what they want.
They rarely listen to you.
They're totally unpredictable.
They whine when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to be alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater to their every whim.
They're moody.
They leave hair everywhere.
They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: Cats are tiny women in little fur coats.
What is a Dog?
Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
They growl when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to play.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They are great at begging.
They leave their toys everywhere.
They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
Conclusion: Dogs are men in little fur coats.
Cat Rules
BATHROOMS:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
DOORS:
Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand looking sad at the humans. If they are on the other side of the door, stick your paw under the door and whine until they open teh door. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
CHAIRS AND RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, carpet is good.
(And here is a picture of my cat, Buster
- who is Calvin's brother, really, same litter -
and the picture tells you all you need to know about Buster.)
- who is Calvin's brother, really, same litter -
and the picture tells you all you need to know about Buster.)
HAMPERING or HELPING:
If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering:"
When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible or at least. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen. Bite when you're moved on.
When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to be startled.
Most important - When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard and write a short story. Bat at mouse pointer on screen as if it were real. Then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.
WALKING:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their co-ordination skills.
BEDTIME:
Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around. Even better - lie on his or hers face or head.
LITTER BOX:
When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes. The smell is also very attractive.
HIDING:
Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you for a few days. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and you will probably get a treat.
SLEEPING:
In order to have enough energy for playing, a cat must get plenty of sleep (at least 16 hours per day). It is generally not difficult to find a comfortable place to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good, especially if it contrasts with your fur color. If it's in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the better.
HUMANS:
Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. You will then have a smooth-running household.
FOOD:In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed NOW; and hunting for it oneself. The following are guidelines for getting fed.
When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking.
Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table.
Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass is full enough to drink from.
Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the Dignity of a cat to beg outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don't forget you exist. These include, but are not limited to: jumping onto the lap of the "softest" human and purring loudly; lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen, the Direct Stare, and twining around people's legs as they sit and eat while meowing plaintively.
posted by Phillip M. Way | 2:18 AM
1 Comments:
As an owner of two spoiled cats I can relate! That was funny!
One good turn deserves another; maybe this will bring a smile to your face:
"We were talking about cats and dogs the other day and decided that both have consciences but the dog, being an honest and humble person, always has a bad one, but the cat is a Pharisee and always has a good one. When he [the cat] sits and stares you out of countenance he is thanking God that he is not as these dogs, or these humans, or even as these other cats!"
~C.S. Lewis, in Letters to an American Lady.
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