Phillip's Phunnies - The Church
A merry heart does good, like medicine... - Proverbs 17:22
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.......
~pastoray
Ten Things You Never Hear in Church
1. Hey! It's MY turn to sit on the front pew!
2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went over time 25 minutes.
3. Personally, I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
4. I've decided to give our church the $500.00 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
6. Forget the denominational minimum salary: let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
8. Since we're all here, let's start the worship service early!
9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
Bulletin Bloopers
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing service will be discontinued until further notice.
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth Into Joy."
Ushers will eat latecomers.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
The sermon this morning is "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight is "Searching for Jesus."
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
The cost for attending this week's "Fasting and Prayer" conference includes meals.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7:00 p.m. Please use the back door.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
This evening there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
Thursday night—potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge—Up Yours."
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Church Signs (sigh)
CHURCH CAR PARKING - FOR MEMBERS ONLY, TRESPASSERS WILL BE BAPTIZED!
"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."
"Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"
"Fight truth decay - study the Bible daily."
Now Taking Reservations for Eternity - Smoking or Non?
"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"
God so loved the world that He did not send a committee.
Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday.
A family altar can alter a family.
A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.
Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
Man's way leads to a hopeless end! God's way leads to an endless hope!
Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory capacity.
Nothing ruins the truth like stretching it.
To be almost saved is to be totally lost.
Sad but True
Some people are kind, polite and sweet-spirited --- until you try to get into their pew. [George Goldtrap]
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. [Fred Allen]
Do you know the three times that most people are in church? When they are hatched, matched and dispatched. [Lowell B. Yoder]
A lot of church members who are singing "Standing On The Promises" are just sitting on the premises. [Sr. Monique Rysavy]
I don't know why some people change churches - what difference does it make which one you stay home from? [Rev. Denny Brake]
If a Savior leaves you as you are and where you are, from what has He saved you? [Rev. Denny Brake]
Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set. [Rev. Denny Brake]
The No-Excuse Sunday
To make it possible for everyone to attend church next Sunday, we are going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday." Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep in." There will be a special section with lounge chairs for those who feel that our pews are too hard. Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching TV late Saturday night. We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof would cave in if I ever came to church." Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is too hot. Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list all the hypocrites present. A prominent space will be alloted at the top of the card for the cardholder to write his own name down first on that list. Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those who can't go to church and cook dinner, too. We will distribute "Stamp Out Stewardship" buttons for those that feel the church is always asking for money. One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature. Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday. The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them. We will provide hearing aids for those who can't hear the preacher and cotton for those who can! Hope to see you there! - Author Unknown.
1. Hey! It's MY turn to sit on the front pew!
2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went over time 25 minutes.
3. Personally, I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
4. I've decided to give our church the $500.00 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
6. Forget the denominational minimum salary: let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
8. Since we're all here, let's start the worship service early!
9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
Bulletin Bloopers
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing service will be discontinued until further notice.
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth Into Joy."
Ushers will eat latecomers.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
The sermon this morning is "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight is "Searching for Jesus."
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
The cost for attending this week's "Fasting and Prayer" conference includes meals.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7:00 p.m. Please use the back door.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
This evening there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
Thursday night—potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge—Up Yours."
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Church Signs (sigh)
CHURCH CAR PARKING - FOR MEMBERS ONLY, TRESPASSERS WILL BE BAPTIZED!
"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."
"Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"
"Fight truth decay - study the Bible daily."
Now Taking Reservations for Eternity - Smoking or Non?
"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"
God so loved the world that He did not send a committee.
Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday.
A family altar can alter a family.
A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.
Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
Man's way leads to a hopeless end! God's way leads to an endless hope!
Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory capacity.
Nothing ruins the truth like stretching it.
To be almost saved is to be totally lost.
Sad but True
Some people are kind, polite and sweet-spirited --- until you try to get into their pew. [George Goldtrap]
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. [Fred Allen]
Do you know the three times that most people are in church? When they are hatched, matched and dispatched. [Lowell B. Yoder]
A lot of church members who are singing "Standing On The Promises" are just sitting on the premises. [Sr. Monique Rysavy]
I don't know why some people change churches - what difference does it make which one you stay home from? [Rev. Denny Brake]
If a Savior leaves you as you are and where you are, from what has He saved you? [Rev. Denny Brake]
Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set. [Rev. Denny Brake]
The No-Excuse Sunday
To make it possible for everyone to attend church next Sunday, we are going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday." Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep in." There will be a special section with lounge chairs for those who feel that our pews are too hard. Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching TV late Saturday night. We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof would cave in if I ever came to church." Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is too hot. Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list all the hypocrites present. A prominent space will be alloted at the top of the card for the cardholder to write his own name down first on that list. Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those who can't go to church and cook dinner, too. We will distribute "Stamp Out Stewardship" buttons for those that feel the church is always asking for money. One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature. Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday. The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them. We will provide hearing aids for those who can't hear the preacher and cotton for those who can! Hope to see you there! - Author Unknown.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.......
~pastoray
posted by Phillip M. Way | 2:46 AM
1 Comments:
now how you gonna have me coughing and laughing and almost hacking up a lung ? LOL
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