Phillip's Phunnies
A merry heart does good, like medicine... Proverbs 17:22
More jokes and Bible puns
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah: he floated his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter: she went down to the bank of the Nile and picked up a little prophet.
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A. Ruth-less.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which prophet of God was also the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once.
Say That Again?
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city. but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
Dyslexic Satanists sell their souls to Santa, and dyslexic agnostic insomniacs lie awake all night wondering if there really is a Dog.
Baptist Bat Control
Three pastors were having lunch together and the Presbyterian said "You know, ever since summer started, I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away!"
The Lutheran said "Yeah, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away!"
The Baptist said, "I baptized all mine and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!"
AND FINALLY
How Many Church Members Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?
Charismatic: Only 1 - Hands are already in the air.
Pentecostal: 10 - One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None - Lights will go on and off at predetermined times.
Baptists: At least 15 - One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.
Episcopalians: 3 - One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined - Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.
Nazarene: 6 - One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None - Lutherans don't believe in change.
Neo-evangelical: No one knows. They cannot tell the difference between light and darkness.
TV evangelists: One - But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation.
Fundamentalists: ONLY ONE - because any more would be compromise and ecumenical.
Arminians: One - but first the bulb must want to be changed.
Hyper-Calvinists: None - if God wants to change that light-bulb, He'll do it without your help!
Open Theists: unknown - as even God was not aware that the light bulb had burned out, nuch less that it needed changing.
Seventh Day Adventists: Just one - as long as it isn't Saturday.
Amish: What’s a light bulb?
More jokes and Bible puns
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah: he floated his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter: she went down to the bank of the Nile and picked up a little prophet.
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A. Ruth-less.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which prophet of God was also the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once.
Say That Again?
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city. but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
Dyslexic Satanists sell their souls to Santa, and dyslexic agnostic insomniacs lie awake all night wondering if there really is a Dog.
Baptist Bat Control
Three pastors were having lunch together and the Presbyterian said "You know, ever since summer started, I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away!"
The Lutheran said "Yeah, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away!"
The Baptist said, "I baptized all mine and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!"
AND FINALLY
How Many Church Members Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?
Charismatic: Only 1 - Hands are already in the air.
Pentecostal: 10 - One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None - Lights will go on and off at predetermined times.
Baptists: At least 15 - One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.
Episcopalians: 3 - One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined - Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.
Nazarene: 6 - One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None - Lutherans don't believe in change.
Neo-evangelical: No one knows. They cannot tell the difference between light and darkness.
TV evangelists: One - But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation.
Fundamentalists: ONLY ONE - because any more would be compromise and ecumenical.
Arminians: One - but first the bulb must want to be changed.
Hyper-Calvinists: None - if God wants to change that light-bulb, He'll do it without your help!
Open Theists: unknown - as even God was not aware that the light bulb had burned out, nuch less that it needed changing.
Seventh Day Adventists: Just one - as long as it isn't Saturday.
Amish: What’s a light bulb?
posted by Phillip M. Way | 12:15 AM
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