Phillip's Phunnies - St Patrick's Day
A merry heart does good, like medicine... - Proverbs 17:22
Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
A: Regular rocks are too heavy.
Q. What do you get when you cross poison Ivy with a four-leaf clover?
A. A rash of good luck!
Q: What's Irish and sits outside all year?
A: Paddy O'Furniture!
Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter!
Q. Did you hear about the Irish water polo team?
A. Four horses drowned.
Q. Have you heard about the Irish boomerang?
A. It doesn't come back,
it just sings songs about how much it wants to.
Seriously Now:
Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
A: Regular rocks are too heavy.
Q. What do you get when you cross poison Ivy with a four-leaf clover?
A. A rash of good luck!
Q: What's Irish and sits outside all year?
A: Paddy O'Furniture!
Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter!
Q. Did you hear about the Irish water polo team?
A. Four horses drowned.
Q. Have you heard about the Irish boomerang?
A. It doesn't come back,
it just sings songs about how much it wants to.
He Died Laughing
Paddy was found dead in his back yard, and as the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to only two days, so his mortal remains wouldn't take a bad turn. At last his friends laid him in the box, nailed it shut & started down the hill into the churchyard. As it was a long, sloping path one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard. Suddenly a loud knocking came from in the box. Paddy was alive! They opened the box up and he sat up, wide eyed, and they all said, “It's a miracle!” All rejoiced & they went back and celebrated late into the night, but just before morning the poor lad died. Really died. Stone cold dead. They bundled him back into his box, and as they huffed and puffed down the hill the next morning, the minister said, "Careful now, boys; mind ye don't bump the gatepost again."
Wishful Thinking
Murphy, O'Brien & Cassey were dicussing the words they would like to hear spoken over their coffins at their wakes.
Casey says, "I would like them to say 'He was a wonderful family man- he always supported his wife and kids, and they never wanted for anything'".
O' Brien says, "That's lovely Casey. But I would like to hear them say, 'He was a great man in the community - he undertook a lot of projects to make his community a better place.'"
Murphy says, "Thats's very nice, O'Brien. But I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
Extreme Sports
An Irishman went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock. "We have 99" replied the shop owner "Give me the lot" he said. He went to a tailors shop next door and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off. He hit the ground with a smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened. "I don't know sir" he replied "but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping."
What We Have Here is a Failure to Communicate
"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want marital counseling?" the minister questioned his congregant. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"
"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."
The minister tried again. "Well, does he beat you up?"
"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed."
Pushing on, the minister said, "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have for complaint."
"Bless ye, sir. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds."
"Mrs. O'Connor," the minister said in considerable exasperation, "What is the reason for you seeking this counseling?"
"Ah, well now, it is so we can communicate better" said the lady, "because the man just can't hold an intelligent conversation."
Every Head Bowed and Every Eye Closed
At the end of his sermon the pastor said: "Now, instead of asking you all to bow your heads and close your eyes, I will instead ask, which of you thinks truly he is bound for Heaven? Would you please stand?"
He was pleased to note that nearly all of his congregation stood up.
"That's good," he exclaimed. "But now, let me ask you, which of you thinks he is bound for Hell? Would you stand?"
After a few seconds, Jock slowly got to his feet, and remained standing as the pastor eyed him with sadness.
Afterwards, as the worshippers filed out, Pastor O'Brien pulled Jock aside and asked him, "Now, Jock, what is it that makes you fear you're bound for Hell?"
He responded, "O, I have no fear for my own outcome, but I did feel sorry for you standing up there all by yourself."
Paddy was found dead in his back yard, and as the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to only two days, so his mortal remains wouldn't take a bad turn. At last his friends laid him in the box, nailed it shut & started down the hill into the churchyard. As it was a long, sloping path one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard. Suddenly a loud knocking came from in the box. Paddy was alive! They opened the box up and he sat up, wide eyed, and they all said, “It's a miracle!” All rejoiced & they went back and celebrated late into the night, but just before morning the poor lad died. Really died. Stone cold dead. They bundled him back into his box, and as they huffed and puffed down the hill the next morning, the minister said, "Careful now, boys; mind ye don't bump the gatepost again."
Wishful Thinking
Murphy, O'Brien & Cassey were dicussing the words they would like to hear spoken over their coffins at their wakes.
Casey says, "I would like them to say 'He was a wonderful family man- he always supported his wife and kids, and they never wanted for anything'".
O' Brien says, "That's lovely Casey. But I would like to hear them say, 'He was a great man in the community - he undertook a lot of projects to make his community a better place.'"
Murphy says, "Thats's very nice, O'Brien. But I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
Extreme Sports
An Irishman went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock. "We have 99" replied the shop owner "Give me the lot" he said. He went to a tailors shop next door and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off. He hit the ground with a smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened. "I don't know sir" he replied "but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping."
What We Have Here is a Failure to Communicate
"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want marital counseling?" the minister questioned his congregant. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"
"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."
The minister tried again. "Well, does he beat you up?"
"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed."
Pushing on, the minister said, "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have for complaint."
"Bless ye, sir. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds."
"Mrs. O'Connor," the minister said in considerable exasperation, "What is the reason for you seeking this counseling?"
"Ah, well now, it is so we can communicate better" said the lady, "because the man just can't hold an intelligent conversation."
Every Head Bowed and Every Eye Closed
At the end of his sermon the pastor said: "Now, instead of asking you all to bow your heads and close your eyes, I will instead ask, which of you thinks truly he is bound for Heaven? Would you please stand?"
He was pleased to note that nearly all of his congregation stood up.
"That's good," he exclaimed. "But now, let me ask you, which of you thinks he is bound for Hell? Would you stand?"
After a few seconds, Jock slowly got to his feet, and remained standing as the pastor eyed him with sadness.
Afterwards, as the worshippers filed out, Pastor O'Brien pulled Jock aside and asked him, "Now, Jock, what is it that makes you fear you're bound for Hell?"
He responded, "O, I have no fear for my own outcome, but I did feel sorry for you standing up there all by yourself."
Seriously Now:
The Truth About Saint Patrick
Reflections on the Impact of the Life of "Holy Patrick"
by Michael Haykin
Reflections on the Impact of the Life of "Holy Patrick"
by Michael Haykin
Labels: Phunnies, St Patrick's Day
posted by Phillip M. Way | 9:00 PM
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