Phillip's Phunnies - Has 2005 Gone to the Dogs?

A merry heart does good, like medicine... - Proverbs 17:22

Our last edition of Phillip's Phunnies in 2005 will feature a few jokes about man's best friend - dogs! I hope these will bring a smile on your face!

Did you hear about the cowboy who got himself a dachshund for Christmas? His cowboy buddies were always telling him to
"Get a long little doggie."



What do you call a dog with no legs?
Answer #1
Spot
Answer #2
Doesn't matter.
No matter what you call him he isn't coming!

So where can you find a no-legged dog?
Right where you left him!

What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A dog that runs for help after he bites your leg off.

How come the Dalmatian couldn't hide?
She was already spotted.



What do lazy dogs chase?
Parked cars.

How are dogs like phones?
They have collar ID.

Dog Rules - Part 1

If I like it, it's mine.
If its in my mouth, it's mine.
If I can take it from you, it's mine.
If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.
If it just looks like mine, it's mine.

Dog Rules - Part 2

Visitors
When visitors come to your house,
determine which one is afraid of dogs.
Charge across the room, barking loudly to greet them,
and jump up on them to show them how happy you are to see them.

Barking
Dogs are expected to bark, so bark a lot.

Licking
Always take a big drink from your water dish before licking anyone.

Dinner Table Manners
Sit directly under the table so that you can
clean up any food as soon as it falls on the floor.

Housebreaking
Housebreaking is very important to humans,
so break as much of the house as possible.

How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?


Border Collie:
Just one. Then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Rottweiler:
Make me!

Lab:
Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?

Dachshund:
You know I can't reach it! It's too high!

Malamute:
Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Jack Russell Terrier:
I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls.

Greyhound:
It isn't moving. Who cares?

Mastiff:
I'm not afraid of the dark.

Doberman:
While it's out, I'll just take a nap on the couch.

Boxer:
Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Pointer:
I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!

Chihuahua:
Yo quiero Taco Bulb?

Australian Shepherd:
First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Basset Hound:
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Westie:
Dogs do not change light bulbs -- people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is,
how long before I can expect my light again?

Poodle:
I'll just let the Border Collie do it.
By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a burned-out bulb?

Mind Games Dogs Play on Their Owners

After your owners give you a bath, don't let them towel dry you! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your owner's bedtime.

Act like a convicted criminal. When your owners come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as Your owners frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)

Let your owners teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then when your owners try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at them. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.

Make your owners be patient. When you go outside to go, sniff around the entire yard as your owners wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.

Draw attention to your owner. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go. Take your time and make sure everyone watches.

When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a stranger walks by.

Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with your owners. Make them go and chase it once in a while.

Hide from your owners. When they come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).

When your owner calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make your owner take you outside. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)

We Were Framed. The Cat Did It!