Phillip's Phunnies - Puns, Jokes, and Word Play

A merry heart does good, like medicine... - Proverbs 17:22

Timely Jokes, Puns, and Word Play (gathered from the internet):

You Don't Say

The world's full of apathy, but I don't care.

I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.

I used to think I was indecisive ... but now I am just not sure.

Don't be redundant by repeating yourself. Twice.

Job Related

Psychology Conference Topic:
"Everything you always wanted to know about phobias but we afraid to ask."

For the theologians:
The difference between theory and practice in practice is greater than the difference between theory and practice in theory.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

What first appears to be a sloppy or meaningless use of words may well be a completely correct use of words to express sloppy or meaningless thinking.

Farming

You don't have to be a farmer to be outstanding in your field.

If a parsley farmer is sued, could they garnish his wages?

Two Cows:

"Daisy, have you heard?"
"Moo. Heard what Buttercup?"
"There's going to be a Farmers Market at the town hall next week."
"That's good, let's sell our farmer and see if we can get a better one."

Farmer Joe Feels Fine:

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

A Poem - Ups and Downs

We chop down trees but chop up wood;
We draw down wrath, we draw up wills,
We run down foes, we run up bills;
We eat food up, we down a drink,
Which is a little strange, I think.
We turn down offers, turn up noses--
Just one last thought and then this closes:
We should remember, we poor clowns,
That life is full of ups and downs.

A Poem - Mary's Little Lamb

Mary had a little lamb
His fleece was black as soot
And everywhere that Mary went
His sooty foot he put

Thanksgiving

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi.

What are unhappy cranberries called?
Blueberries.

What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims!

Why can't you take a turkey to church?
Because they use fowl language.

Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Yes - a building can't jump at all.

How can you make a turkey float?
You need 2 scoops of ice cream, some root beer, and a turkey.

Why didn't the turkey eat dessert?
He was stuffed for dinner.